December 9, 2008
still miserably married still looking for a jobso i can leave my miserable excuse of a husband...... you knwop he's always had faults but when you're in love you can over see the negative because apparently a portionm of being in love means the good things in your partner out weigh the negative....but when the negative out weighs the bad then its time to leave....which I feel I am preparing myself mentally to do but the physical part is taking longer than I had hoped.....we had a power outage tonight for about 2 hours and after being home together as a family for the majority of this outage my husband decides he has to go a "see where the firetruck was going" now...... and good wife of an addict nows that he's not 'going for a drive' well....maybe to his dealers but all is not as innocent as he would like me to believe....my stove is gas so I did have dinner on the stove ehating and as he was leaving I asked very nicely please don"t leave us right now.... but of course his 'chasing firetrucks' was way more important...not that feeding 2 kids is a difficult task....it's not I've been doing it for years and I love the times he works at noght and i don't have him around and it is just me and the kids but here we were 7 at night no power and a 'terribly two' year old .....so the dick head left to go for his joy ride and most likely pick up coke....considerng he hasn't said more than a few sentences to me and can't believe that I am mad at him all the indicators point to him being high.... as far as that goes it is amazing how unhelpful our county systems and local police force are when comes to an addicted husband....they all say the same thing if my kids aren't in danger there is nothing they can d o.....until of course he gets arrested the htere will be a full spanish inquisition at my door because somehow or another II will be the one to be questioned and inder scrutiny even though I am as clean as clean can come whenit comes to the coke thing ....eoh well here we go again just another day in paradise......anyone need a bartender or a manicurist????
December 4, 2008
can't even stand to look at him.....ugh....what a fuckhead.....all he does is exist in the house....would have been nice if he maybe uh.... i don't know...picked up his shoes...or who the hell knows he's just stupid....just do anything ..anything is better than the nothing that he does all day and night
December 4, 2008
what a dumbass
it would be nice if my husband could take his job at home as seriously as the one he gets paid for....theres a constant struggle of please get up and do some shit sround here....why is it he can sleep til all hours of the day and leave me to be responsible for everything? when do I get a day to sleep in?? not that I would sleep til 11 but it would be nice to have someone else besides me to get up and take care of the house kids cat etc...even just once every other week let me sleep in for an hour....but I guess in his eyes I am not deserving enough for that or he's to fuckin privledged so he gets to sleep and be lazy cause he works full time....big effin deal....I don't expect a whole hell of alot from him just a little flippin help would be nice... just get up and hang out talk a little bit...but I guess what it is is the end of the end...we can't end the marriage because of lack of money to support both of us....so he'll just lay around and be a dic
December 1, 2008
today...sick of this sh!t...
I often wonder as to why I think that my married life will ever get better....it wasn't always like this ....have I really changed all that much over the past 16 yrs ...i don't think so but my husband's a differnet story...of course he'll probably say I have changed as much as him but I then I might beg to differ....I have tried to improve myself and better our lives for me and the kids and all he has done is gotten fired from various jobs in the past 5 years and started to coke and has made my life a living hell....let's see a 42 yr old man who'd rather sit around around lie to his wife and get high .....yeah ...thats the way I want my life togo right now...ugh...I feel like such a whiny bitch....when I write it it seems so menial but when I have lived this way day after day after day it's gets irritating, annoying, and I just want to scream...I can't leave him...as much as I would really really like that...that costs $$$ and he's spends it all .... of corse I try to keep up my spirits because even my friends who think they know how bad i hate him & how bad my home life is don't have a clue as to what is going on...is it bad to thin about some one you hate so much dying?of course i really don't want that. and i feel guilty for thinking that..my kids deserve to grow up with their dad cause as much of a shit he is he is a decent dad.... but i wouldn't mind him getting arrested then at least i wouldn't have to look at his face for a few days...it would serve him right....it breaks my heart and all i want to do is hurt him as much as he has hurt me .... or just do stupid shit to piss him off...like throw all his dirty ass laundry outside the window and make sure it lands in the pond...it's just a little pond but it'll do...hmm anyother ideas of itrritating thinkgs to do to piss him off???